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"Love theory"
"Know thou of a certainty that Love is the
secret of God’s holy Dispensation, the manifestation of the
All-Merciful, the fountain of spiritual outpourings. Love is
heaven’s kindly light, the Holy Spirit’s eternal breath that
vivifieth the human soul. Love is the cause of God’s revelation
unto man, the vital bond inherent, in accordance with the divine
creation, in the realities of things. Love is the one means that
ensureth true felicity both in this world and the next. Love is
the light that guideth in darkness, the living link that uniteth
God with man, that assureth the progress of every illumined
soul. Love is the most great law that ruleth this mighty and
heavenly cycle, the unique power that bindeth together the
divers elements of this material world, the supreme magnetic
force that directeth the movements of the spheres in the
celestial realms. Love revealeth with unfailing and limitless
power the mysteries latent in the universe. Love is the spirit
of life unto the adorned body of mankind, the establisher of
true civilization in this mortal world, and the shedder of
imperishable glory upon every high-aiming race and nation."
Selections From the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá,
Page 27-28
In the following tables, the practicalities of
love, dating, courtship, and marriage are discussed in light of
their current perception and application with suggestions with
ways to elevate them in our lives.
|
Common Statements |
Shortcomings |
| "I don't love him/her
anymore..." |
Love is not just some
feeling that you have that fluctuates without your
control. Love takes effort—serious effort—and to the
extent one gives control to nature is logically the amount
amount ones loses control. |
| "If I
had know his mother before I fell in love with him I never
would have married him." |
This
smells of 'love at first sight' or rushed love—forming a
physical/emotional bond prematurely. Sincere investigation
should predate any commitment, especially of this
magnitude, not including the parents of the potential
spouse, the closest parties in the support and
encouragement of a new couple. |
| "I, ______, take ______, to be my lawfully
wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for
better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in
health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part..."
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The Unpromisable
Promise. I have always wondered why Christ's statement
about promises seems to be so quickly disregarded in
marriages, "...Thou shalt not forswear thyself, but
shalt perform unto the Lord thine oaths...But I say unto
you, Swear not at all; neither by heaven; for it is God's
throne, Nor by the earth; for it is his
footstool...Neither shalt thou swear by thy head, because
thou canst not make one hair white or black." -Matthew
5:36, KJB.
I interpret this as saying do not perjure (foreswear) oneself and it
suggests that since we are incapable of even changing one
hair on our head, we are also incapable of making pledges.
Some add "...God willing" at the end of each of
their sentences. The Bahá'í vow is simply, "We will
all, verily, abide by the Will of God." Without
applying a value judgment I express hesitation in
promising something that is so likely to fail: it seems to
borders on pride. |
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Love Reality |
Commentary |
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"In a relationship differences add excitement,
similarities add glue." |
Remember the adage 'opposites
attract.' That has been decisively debunked by social
psychologists studying human behavior. Even when there are
instances of complementarities—well-meshing opposite
qualities—it is often uncovered that the deep-set
similarities hold the relationship together.
In a relationship, similarities are good, differences are
a potential trouble spot. While I find it generally
meritorious to marry someone of a different ethnicity or
background, you may wish to: find someone with similar educational
aspirations, child rearing ideas, professional ambitions,
musical tastes, leisure hobbies, and geographical
preferences.
|
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"It's not so much finding the right woman as it is
finding the right attitude" |
Our search
for a perfect mate is usually directed 90% outward and 10
% inward. When we realize that 90% of the perfect mate we
so desperately seek is inside of us our quest takes a
productive turn. The image I imagine is of an disheveled
guy on a grimy couch, surrounded by his own filth,
flipping aimlessly though the lower channels while
leafing through the latest BMW promotional magazine and
thinking of his ill-fortunes.
We should not search for water but search for thirst, and
water will come bursting from the dry ground. "The
fountain of divine generosity is gushing forth, but we
must have thirst for the living waters. Unless there be
thirst, the salutary water will not assuage." -'Abdu'l-Baha.
When we have that balance in ourselves, that enduring
peace, that quiet serenity, the uninterruptible bliss,
whom would we not be compatible readily with? |
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"Love is recognizing and appreciating good
qualities in another, while minimizing and dismissing
their less desirable ones." |
These 17
words may describe the essence of love better than
any that have ever been written. It may seem strange or
even cold to those who expected a more emotional answer.
People love everything! They love cars, jobs, intimacy,
games, computers, celebrities, music, hobbies, and sports
teams. This love also changes with time, it can strengthen
or wane.
What explains this more than vacillating human sentiment
is which aspects are focused on. For any particular thing
there are good qualities and bad qualities. To the extent
that we focus on the good we 'like' the object more, and
when we only see the negatives we develop an aversion. We
can choose to focus on the elements of our job that
we enjoy and as such create a positive impression overall
or we can get ourselves caught in a negative feedback
cycle where everything is viewed in a dark light and
serves to decrease our liking for the occupation. The same
is with love. We can say,
- "I hate my wife when she flirts with the waiter."
- "I can understand why my wife is so friendly with
the waiter—she's friendly with everyone!!
Another example:
- "My husband is late picking me up because he doesn't
love me" or say
- "My husband is late because he is probably stuck in
traffic"
Both are based on the same set of facts. The later
also speaks of Psychology's
Fundamental Attribution Error and is especially true
and destructive in a relationship. Psychologists can
predict, with startling accuracy, the long-term
sustainability of marriages based on responses to
situations such as those above.
The quote, "Love is recognizing..." portrays love as simply
the active seeking of qualities in another that one likes
and the swift dismissal of those things that one is not
attracted to. This is not just contained within a
relationship as it can be applied to any friendship,
indeed any attachment one has to anything the the realm of
the visible or invisible.
Reminds me of Abdu'l-Baha's quote to "always at the
good and not at the bad. If a man has ten good qualities
and one bad one, to look at the ten and forget the one;
and if a man has ten bad qualities and one good one, to
look at the one and forget the ten." |
"Spiritual Dating Analysis"
The practice and concepts of love and dating are embedded in
a society that is steeped in materialism which blinds it not
only from the private spiritual thoughts of its practitioners but
places it at variance with the
empirical and even theoretical evidences to the contrary. One
strong component of this is investigating the
|
Component |
Societal Dating |
Spiritual Dating |
Analysis |
| Physical Contact |
Hinges on this contact. |
None, at least until after
engagement. |
Whereas physical intimacy is a
central component of societal dating, it is of little to no
consequence in spiritual dating. Physical contact does bring
people closer together, but Spiritual dating attempts to
make many meaningful connections first and then add intimacy
to consummate the relationship and indeed ensure an
impregnable foundation. |
| Doing "couple"
things |
There seems to be
an endless supply of these activities: movies, mini-golf,
bowling, dancing, movies. |
This tend to be done more in
moderation, in groups a lot, since meaningful activities,
especially of service, are pursued. |
|
| Boyfriend / Girlfriend
titles |
Strictly required. "That person
is my boyfriend/girlfriend." Almost an institution. |
Replaced with other non-loaded
words: "my honey," "my significant other," or "the person
I'm investigating." Simply a process. |
With particular words come
particular expectations. "By the first date say this, but
the third date do that." Then come pressuring questions from
parents and peers once you fall out of step with society's
model. Choosing new terms enables you to define things
yourselves. |
| Who knows about it? |
Everyone! Announcing the
relationship reinforces its existence and structure |
People who ask--to the degree
that they ask. |
Being overly secretive is not
healthy, but as word spreads, so do the expectations--and
chatter. If someone asks involvement those in the spiritual
relationship will likely discreetly answer but only offer
information as it is requested. This point is largely,
however, open to personal preference. |
| Parental consent |
Nice to have |
Required |
Those seeing marriages as
bringing together families (and obeying the laws of
Baha'u'llah) will ask for consent of their parents who would
be well informed of their obligation. |
| Deal Breaker
Discussion |
Will gloss over or superficially
discuss, as particular instances arise... usually well after
marriage |
Towards the
beginning |
In the spiritual relationship
the whole aim is to honestly present one's true self and
ideas for the future. Before getting too far along or even
before becoming exclusive, sharing these strong position
points will quickly determine compatibility. |
| Goal |
Companionship, sex,
and a possible spouse |
Solely to determine
compatibility for marriage |
-- |
| Length of pre-dating |
Two dinners unless happen to
work together |
6-36 months of seriously
getting to know other person - usually non-exclusively. |
-- |
| Length of dating |
Long: usually 6 -
48 months |
Short: 3 - 12
months |
Presumably the couple in the
spiritual case would have known each other well and become
acquainted with one another well in advance of getting
together shortening this period. Also, they would realize
that ultimately it is their effort not immaculate
compatibility which will ensure the sanctity of their
marriage. |
| Determining when to get
married |
Passions or
pressure from outside: family and friends |
A joint, mutual
decision with solicited support from trusted family and
friends |
A purposeful, deliberate, and
well-thought out decision for those not simply following the
tide of society. |
| Maturity |
Can be at any stage, but the
vast majority do not see it with the same revernce and
significance as they will later in life. |
Usually high, with
both parties realizing and understanding the supreme purpose
of their investigation |
|
| Compatibility |
Can be high or low but is more
affected by chance than deliberate effort. Cycling through
strangers at bars is filtering mechanism. |
Higher than average |
Higher for the later group not
innately, but because the Spiritual Dating
couple will have a broad a pool as possible of potential
mates that they have systematically narrowed. Also, they
would have early on dealt with any deal breakers and
have the attitude, once committed to each other of actively
making it work. |
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